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On January 13, 2010

You guessed it.  American Idol recap is back.  You still with me?  Well, it is.  Deal with it the same way you deal with terrorist attacks.  Here’s just some of what happened last night on Idol that lasted, what I can only assume was, 14 hours of programming.

Wow.  2 seconds in and I remember how much this show makes me so embarrassed.  They’re taking all these camera shots of people screaming, “No! I’m the next American Idol” the way that you yell “no” to a rapist who’s following you home from the bar.  Why do you always run so fast from me? I’m so psyched that they’re starting with Boston.  Oh.  And they’re also starting with Postoria Beckham .  I miss Paula already. Holy hot-pink muffin top!  We’re starting with Janet .  Janet, who we’ll just pretend works at Home Depot because I’m sure it’s not too far of a stretch, has mastered the American Idol karaoke game and computerized Simon always gives her positive feedback.  She’s a shoe-in!  Once my Speak-n-Spell said (insert robot voice) “c-o-n-g-r-a-t-u-l-a-t-i-o-n-s” after I spelled “encyclopedia” correctly, but you don’t see me joining in on a Spelling Bee do you?  Anygut, Janet preps for her song by jumping up and down in the bathroom and, I sh*t you not, actually yells “you’re wicked awesome.”  I would laugh out loud if  only her stereotypical Boston vocabulary wasn’t so dead on.  She ends up singing “ Pocketful of Sunshine .”  She nails it.  I’m kidding.  She sounded like my drunken 2nd grade nun.  When can we buy this on iTunes?  Janet also thinks that one of the judges is Paula Abdul .  It’s not Paula. It’s Kara.  She may not have recognized her as she looked about 198 pounds sitting next to Sticks Beckham who, for some inexplicable reason, is dressed like La Isla Bonita. Can someone tell...

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